Wow……What didn’t I learn the hard way.

Let me let you in a little secret about me.

I am Stubborn and hard-headed and absolutely HATE being told that I can’t do something.  I am very Type A, want things done my way and only my way (most other’s are honestly not the best).

As you can only imagine, motherhood has been one of the hardest things I have ever and will ever have to do.  This has not been easy for me at all.

To make things even more trying…….after 12 weeks of FMLA (family medical leave act) I headed back to work.  But, only for a few weeks…..because the hubby got a new job and we were going to be moving across the country. Now here I am with an infant and trying to pack up our home and trying to not be overly depressed that everything that I had known for about the last 30 years was going to change.  Friends that I have grown up with were going to be left behind.

What was I going to do?

I have been a figure skater for what seems like my entire life.  And I was pretty good at it as well.  But this post is not about my skating career; it is about what I have learned in the process.

So, I spent my days off trying to pack up our lives, be a new mom, and trying to cope with leaving everything behind.  I was alone with an infant for three weeks while the hubby started his new job and tried to find us a place to live.

Prices were crazy for places to live and we had to immediately scale back our expectations.  This was not going to be an easy task.  Still there were things that we did really need to have (ok so I really needed to have to make it easier for me).  Well, I will tell you that the hubby came through with a great place in a great suburb (even though he really wanted to live in the city) next to a huge park and walking distance to the grocery store, with in-unit laundry!  I was so excited.  Then we had to find a cheap storage unit since we downsized drastically.

Ok

So here we are

New city

Moved from the Midwest to the West coast

Talk about shocker

Depression was sinking in. falling deeper and deeper down the whole.  My brain could not handle all of a sudden becoming a stay at home to a baby that doesn’t interact with me, NO friends, NO family, no adult interaction, and I wasn’t using my brain for anything.  OMG what was I doing.

Some of us are just not wired to be a stay at home mom.  Some of us NEED the mental gymnastics that going to work provides.  I am one of those people.

REVELATION #  I am not a stay at home mom

I was not raised by a stay at home mom.  Now let me just say this….There is nothing wrong with not being raised by a stay at home mom.  I am not messed up in any way because I saw my mom go off to work every day.  I do not fault her in anyway.  I like to think that I am actually stronger because of it.

We had a load of fantastic times together and no matter what she was still there for everything.  And to be honest it made it just that much more special.

I knew that at some point I was going to NEED to go back to work.  It wasn’t so much that I HAD to go back but I  NEEDED to get back.  I NEEDED that mental gymnastics that ability to step away and come back absolutely missing everyone.

REVELATION #2- What kind of parent do you want to be?

No matter what…everyone will have an opinion on EVERYTHING that you and your partner do.  Every decision that you make will bring on an opinion.

So here are my opinions

1. Decide what kind of parent you want to be
   1. Do your own research and talk with your partner as to what matters to the BOTH of you
      1. Decide what is the most important and you will not bend on (A list)
      2. What is VERY important but can bend for the right reasons (B list)
      3. what is important but will be re-evaluated as time goes on (C list)
   2. Know that each of you will have different things that you will want on the A list.  Be fair and talk about it
2. Know that there is no right answer
3. Know that there is no PERFECT parenting style
   1. I read a lot of parenting books before our 3 yo came to join our family but to be honest none of them completely made sense.  Pieces of them resonated with me
      1. So what did I do……we took pieces of them and built our own plan
   2. I am still reading as things are constantly changing and sometimes they don’t work
4. Stay firm in your convictions
5. IT IS OK TO MAKE MISTAKES

REVELATION #3- How do I find balance

This is where I am at right now.

HOW DO I FIND BALANCE?

How do I switch my brain back to being MOM

I work in a high stress, high burn out, extremely fast paced chaotic Cardiovascular Surgical ICU.  We see the sickest of the sick patients.  I take care of patients that research papers get written about, show up on the national news, that shouldn’t still be alive.  I give up my body everyday at work because when I am there it isn’t about me.  It is about the patient.  It doesn’t matter that I haven’t gone to the bathroom or even had time to drink water.  It doesn’t matter that I am so hungry and haven’t eaten.  It is no longer about me once I walk into that room.

The stress on my brain and body is astronomical.  I have no one to talk to about it.  My hubby is not in the medical field and he wasn’t there when it all happened.  We are so technical and specialized that unless you work with me you wouldn’t really understand.  I am not saying that to be a jerk or anything it is just a fact.

So how do you then switch back to “MOM”?

I have responsibilities when I get home.  There are things that I need to do for the family.  But how do I just turn off what just happened for the last 12 hours at work?

I am working on this but if you have suggestions I would love to hear them…

So what now……..

I read

I learn

I try

then we read again/ learn again/ try again

This will continue to be the way as it is an ever changing process

Cheers to you all as we work through this together